2.2 I’m “narcissistic”
Narcissism is not a singular thing. The main ones I’ll address though are the main tenets of the four types of narcissism. I am for the sake of this section using WebMD.
Narcissism is extreme self-involvement to the degree that it makes a person ignore the needs of those around them.
I am not selfish to degrees where I consistently place my needs over others.
While everyone may show occasional narcissistic behavior, true narcissists frequently disregard others or their feelings.
Disregard does not describe my motives or priorities in the slightest. I am rather perceptive, and I see others and their feelings, but I do not always acknowledge them as important enough for me to spend time on. I have an emotional battery and I need to prioritize myself so I do not get too emotionally drained. Just because I do not pay your emotions attention does not mean I am not paying anyone’s emotions attention.
I help those I can, but I can’t help everyone. Your emotions are valid no matter what they are, but that does not mean I am obliged to help you with them.
They also do not understand the effect that their behavior has on other people.
I believe I do to the best extent I can. Sometimes I get surprised by someone’s actions, clearly I did not see the signs then, but I mostly do not. I tend to behave because I want specific outcomes, because I want the effect my actions have on other people. I do however not want negative effects, and if that is a result of things it is unintentional.
There are times I do want to spark anger in someone, make them frustrated, or pissed enough to the point where they have no choice but confrontation. Mostly to be used on avoidantly pissy people. I have used this as a tactic before with success, other times to the dismay of others.
I am capable of taking critique, and had i known it would cause that reaction in the person it regarded i’d have considered other tactics. I can however not walk on eggshells.
People who show signs of narcissism can often be very charming and charismatic. They often don’t show negative behavior right away, especially in relationships. People who show narcissism often like to surround themselves with people who feed into their ego. They build relationships to reinforce their ideas about themselves, even if these relationships are superficial.
Often being good at convincing others, receiving compliments for who I am and having an ok ability to make other people enjoy my company is only one intention away from being manipulative. I dislike manipulating others, but to my own dismay I am rather good at it.
It is a constant fear for me whenever I speak with others that I may be manipulating them. How could they put up resistance if I was? Please call me out if you think I am manipulating someone.
That being said, my emotional baseline is pretty stable, my reactions to others pretty consistent and I’m rather independent of the need for validation. I would never trap another person with me just to get validation of my own stature, grandeur etc.
That being said, I sometimes like to brag about my achievements, but that’s mostly to say I’m proud that I did something. Me being a high achiever would have nothing to do with that.
…They tend to brag and be elitist.
Those with grandiose narcissism are aggressive, dominant, and exaggerate their importance. They are very self-confident and aren’t sensitive.
I am elitist about debating in the context of the ELO system because I want to see who ends up being the best debater. Any bragging about my score is mostly to egg on people to debate me when they try to dismiss my skill and say they are far better. If they are, their score should end up reflecting it if they debate.
My directness and no bullshit policy can sometimes be misconstrued for aggression. I personally see no reason why I would be aggressive on the internet, what am I gonna do, punch the screen? I do not have issues controlling myself when it is actually called for. But someone complaining that I raised my voice, that I’m hardlining one argument until the other party of the debate answers, and getting procedurally more insistent the more they try to avoid it is not a show of aggression. It is a show of strategy and in my opinion good debating.
These things can appear to be dominant and very self important, but I think that is making a fundamental attribution error. Arguments are the oppositions, humans debating are just the vessels through which these things happen. The rebuttal I bring, the hardlining, the incessant use of tone and particular phrasing is not aggression, but the main way the argument to defeat the other position can be made.
Outside of debate I am a different beast, and quite frankly I do not wish to be seen as such either, because it’s simply not me as a person.
I am, however confident, that is not a bad thing. It is an absence of awkwardness. I can also be sensitive, it is just that as addressed above, there are limits to how sensitive one can be. If I am disproportionately insensitive please do tell me, that is not my intention!
… People with this behavior are much more sensitive. Narcissistic behavior helps to protect them against feelings of inadequacy. Even though they go between feeling inferior and superior to others, they feel offended or anxious when others don’t treat them as if they’re special.
Nobody wants to feel inadequate, but I have no reason to believe I personally am rejection sensitive or anxious about being seen as inadequate. I simply don’t feel superior or inferior to people overall. My view is that I harbour traits, and comparing the totality of me versus someone else will not help bring me forward, at best only highlight how far i can go.
I rarely feel offended, but I can act offended for shits and giggles. My anxiety is fairly low.
Sense of Entitlement
A common sign of people with narcissism is the belief that they are superior to others and deserve special treatment. They believe that others should be obedient to their wishes and that the rules don’t apply to them.
If I break my own standards, do tell me. I aim not to!
Another common trait of narcissism is manipulative or controlling behavior. A narcissist will at first try to please you and impress you, but eventually, their own needs will always come first.
When relating to other people, narcissists will try to keep people at a certain distance in order to maintain control. They may even exploit others to gain something for themselves.
The very fact I am writing this document on how much I will not try to please you should be enough to disprove the first part of that claim. I dislike manipulation. I do not seek to impress you for social standing, why should i?
I rarely have emotions to open up about, and rather include my excitement, fear, intrigue or otherwise in the subjects to which they are relevant.
You may find me showcasing my happiness by sharing really great news, like this great barrier reef spawning event!
Ask literally anyone what I have gained from them. Even then I would not exploit others for it!
Need for Admiration
One of the most common signs of a narcissist is a constant need for praise or admiration. People with this behavior need to feel validation from others and often brag or exaggerate their accomplishments for recognition. They also like to feel appreciated to boost their ego.
I quite simply don’t. I do like feeling appreciated, but who doesn’t?
Lack of Empathy
Lack of empathy is another sign of narcissism. This means that the narcissist is unwilling or unable to empathize with the needs, wants, or feelings of other people. This also makes it difficult for them to take responsibility for their own behavior.
I am both willing to and wishing to empathise to the extent it is reasonable. I am very willing to recognise my own impacts, choosing disengagement from people who i am incompatible with as a last resort is evidence of that.
People with narcissistic behavior already see themselves as superior to others, so they may become rude or abusive when they don’t receive the treatment they think they deserve. While they hold themselves superior, they may speak or act rudely toward those that they deem are inferior.
I agree that this may be a tough one to distinguish, because this differentiation can only be known by knowing my intentions. Me becoming rude or what others may consider abusive towards people who appear to be treating me against my wants is because I feel I deserve better, not because I think myself superior.
Time Wasting and other issues are not a matter because I am royalty, I am the best, I know what’s right, but because I have limits, and some limits I simply can’t tolerate engaging beyond. Hence this document to explain them because i believe simple rejection would be doing the human on the other end a disservice.
If you recognize narcissism in yourself, you can begin to change your self-esteem to self-compassion. This means treating yourself with kindness instead of comparing yourself to others. You can stop trying to evaluate yourself against others, which can lower your need for praise and recognition.
Lastly, if you’re still not convinced I am not narcissistic, at least you can take solace in the fact that my rhetoric about myself is built on self compassion and not comparison and toxicity.